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Oct 26, 2012

Finding Emotional Healing in Music

As an autism mom, I'm very grateful for music.  It is healing to my soul. Music has a way of expressing my emotions when words sometimes fail.  Certain songs have touched my life in very meaningful ways, and even now, when I hear them, I experience the same feelings.  One such song is my personal anthem for my children, and I think many parents of children with autism also feel this is the perfect anthem for their situation.  I first saw it on a video for an autism awareness campaign, but it is actually a Rascal Flatts song, "I Won't Let Go." (

Another song that touches my heart is Beyonce's Halo.  (  This song is beautiful to me for a different reason. After finding out that Garrett and Caiti had autism, we had a surprise pregnancy resulting in my last baby, Jason.  I felt some hope with Jason that I might have the experience of raising a neurotypical child, and I believed for the longest time that he wasn't affected with autism.  When he started showing signs at about 18 months, I went through a very deep depression.  I remember my therapist suggesting I write a poem to address my feelings about Jason.  I couldn't come up with the words to portray both my love and the pain I was feeling.  One day, while listening to "Halo" by Beyonce, my own personal lyrics came to me with the music of that song.  Now, whenever I hear the song, it reminds me of the great love I have for my beautiful little boy who proved to me that it would be okay, and he has become my "warm fuzzy" and such a blessing in my life. This is the poem that I wrote that day:

Discovering Jason (Inspired by Beyonce’s Halo)

Jason, my baby boy,
I love your expressive eyes.
Your sloppy kisses make me smile.
You’re my sweet little cutie pie.

Watching you since the day you were born
Hoping you’d turn out just fine.
I would see little things that you did
And realize they might be signs.

It’s like I’ve been waiting
These doubts trying to shake, and
It’s a choice that I’m making.
I’m never gonna shut you out.

Every day as you grow more
I’m there to hold you by your hand.
Baby, you’re amazing, and
You’re a great part in God’s plan.

Jason you make me happy,
And you always light up my days,
But parts of you are changing...
I hope my sadness will fade away.

It’s like I’ve been waiting
These doubts trying to shake, and
It’s a choice that I’m making.
I’m never gonna shut you out.

Never, ever gonna shut you out.
I may want to scream and shout…
But I will never shut you out

1 comment:

  1. What a touching post. I feel so much for you but I know that Heavenly Father must think you are amazing because you are the only one strong enough for your precious babies. I love you!