Healthy Coping Mechanisms

As an autism mom, I'm grateful for healthy coping mechanisms.  Sometimes you just have to grieve, to feel the sadness that your child/children didn't turn out to be who you expected.  You grieve for the child you thought they were going to be.  It's hard not to turn to unhealthy outlets for a release.  For me, the best way to cope is to write about it.  I have a mad journal where I can write anything I want and not feel bad about it.  I also write poems.  This poem was written at a time when I felt that my daughter had no connection with me.  I struggled so much with that sadness at the time...Luckily, my therapist told me to get into her world, to notice the things she loves and make myself a part of them.  Slowly but surely she realized that I wasn't just another fixture in the room, but someone fun that she could love.  :)

Help Me Know How To Reach You

My little baby. Beautiful Baby Caiti.

You brought me healing and sweetness and calm.

You were for my heart a miracle balm.

I remember how you would snuggle me close, let me hold you.

With a smile in your eyes, so beautiful and blue.

Your head on my chest and your curls framing your face.

You would always send me to a happy place.

Caiti it's been sad for me as you have grown older.

Yes, you still put your head on my shoulder.

Yes you still have that smile in your eyes

But it's different now, because you also cry.

You get so upset, I don't know what to do.

Caiti I wish I knew how to help you.

I want to be the mommy you need me to be.

I wish you had the language to communicate to me.

I wish I could get into your head,

and I could hear your thoughts as you place toys on your bed.

I could understand why they're all lined in a row

The thoughts in your head would be so great to know.

I think you know I love you, I adore my little girl.

I cherish your giggle as you run and you twirl.

Caiti, as your mommy, I want to know how

To love you the way that you need me to now.

I need to know just the way that I can reach you.

I need to know just the way that I can teach you.

Because Caiti I love you, I love you! I do!